#7 Pretending To Stand For Freedom

In America, Conservatives actually have a copyright on the idea of "freedom." At least the believe they do. Freedom means many things, but to a conservative it only means a handful of things that benefit them and only them. Insisting terrorists hate America because "they hate our freedom" helped us pass the freedom friendly Patriot Act. Leaving marriage laws up to the states' citizens (even after state legislatures vote for gay marriage)means equal rights for all of our citizens, except for the "fags." How about buying some beer in many counties throughout the southeast on a Sunday? Fuck that, there's no reason for local businesses to have another day of sales each week--much less the freedom of purchasing some alcohol any day you wish. How about women's rights to choose. Fuck that again! Women ain't the ones who get us our freedom. Men get us our freedom. Freedom ain't free. Women in submarines, infantry, special forces--fuck that! Gays in the military? FUCK THAT! Remember gays are second class citizens and are not allowed to have equal rights in the free-est country in the world. How about the right to terminate under a terminal illness? How about the decriminalization of marijuana? F-U-C-K T-H-A-T! That's right! And all of these are things that a conservative will not support will simultaneously maintaining they stand for freedom more than anyone else. That's the conservatives' greatest magic trick.
What is freedom to a conservative you might ask? Not paying taxes and the 2nd amendment. PERIOD. Gun control is always sensationalized as an intrusion of freedom. You know what is an intrusion Conservatives? Wiretapping and profiling whoever the fuck you want. That's intrusion. You know what else is not freedom? Telling a normal human being they can't marry. You know what else? Insisting you put your superstitious laws of God in courthouses, knowing well not every person in our supposed free country is not Christian. You know what fucking else? Insisting that prayer be fully integrated in our public school systems. That's why you have Sunday school. I don't see anyone trying to force standard school lessons into Sunday School. All of this bullshit, and conservatives will still continue to stand in front of the American flag, hand over heart, claiming to be the ones who stand for freedom. Let freedom ring, right?

#6 Rush Limbaugh

Rush Limbaugh (also known as a "Big Fat Idiot") is the conservative radio host, drug addict, misogynistic asshole, and current leader of the GOP. Since 1991, Rush Limbaugh has been the most-listened-to radio host in the United States. To conservatives he is the most popular person on the planet next to Jesus Christ. When not eating everything in sight, Limbaugh can be found at conservatives' favorite place to be at the moment--at some conference complaining about shit.
Limbaugh isn't all bad. He's been involved in increasing Parkinson's awareness by making fun of Michael J. Fox on camera, and supporting diverstiy by giving airplay to a song called "Barack The Magic Negro." Rush Limbaugh enjoys having sex with horses. Conservatives can be heard calling into Limbaugh's program daily saying "dittos" or "mega dittos" meaning they agree with whatever pro-white topic Rush is flapping his fat, stupid jaw about at the time. It has been a well proven fact that global warming is more related to the hot air produced daily from Limbaugh during his radio program and the conservatives calling in to suck his dick on the air.
In addition to spewing shit out of his mouth, Rush is a celebrated author of two books, one of which is called "See, I Told You So" (1993) where he slights the Clinton administration's methods a mere year after being in office. This practice inspired today's conservatives to do the same, but better. Conservatives actually found ways to complain about the Obama administration before he was even elected, painting a Socialist/Communist/Facist agenda for America, which of course has yet to be realized--but hey fuck it. If Rush says it, it's as good as God's word.

#5 Fox News

Fox News is a well known 24 hour, self proclaimed "news" network. For conservatives it's the equivalent of having a 24 hour a day porn channel. Since the inception of TV network news, our airwaves have been littered with facts and journalism. Conservatives call this the mainstream media. Enter Fox News in 1996. When engaging a conservative, be sure to mention any news story you may have seen on Fox News earlier that morning. Conservatives will certainly go into a cheerful rant about how good it is to have a reliable and balanced network like Fox News. To conservatives, balanced reporting and news coverage means complaining about democrats, liberals, and the Obama administration--all day long. Often genuine news will be overlooked due to this phenomenon.
In addition to complaining about democratic policies, Fox News anchors will often pretend to be scientists by denying global warming.
The power of the Fox News organization is vast and acts as an arm to the conservative voice. Fox News is so far removed from journalism in fact, that this bat shit crazy, fucked up, hilljack network actually helped organize and sponsor Tea Party protests, fuel the angst behind the town hall meetings for health care reform, and has given regular platform to the GOP and its supporters. Where else will you find a news Network that has provided shows and contributor jobs to former Republican politicians, i.e. Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, etc? The machine behind the Fox News Network is News Corporation, a factory in New York that produces and manufactures anti-liberal stories and pro conservative stories.

#4 Sensationalizing

Under the contested Health Care Bill, provision HR 3200 would expand Medicare coverage to "end of life" consultations with doctors in regards to advice on living wills and hospice information. Translation: Death Panels. Since most conservatives are mentally retarded, they will take the art of falsification and combine it with the dumbing down of over simplifying. This is known as sensationalizing and conservatives have turned it into a second language. An encounter with a conservative may look something like this:
"So I've heard that they are improving our water supply with an revised and updated clean water act."
"Yeah if you like the government taking over your private waters like our farmer's ponds and people with private lakes. Just more Obama socialism!"
Conservatives will often get their news from FoxNews, Rush Limbaugh, The National Review, Drudge Report, Tea Partiers, and old people who are out of touch. All sources are experts in the realm of sensationalizing. Often these sensationalizations will be crafted by corporations or special interest groups.
Don't even get them started on the "homosexual agenda." It's a well known fact that conservatives hate fags, and will do anything to slight their lifestyle. You see conservatives will often claim they love freedom more than anyone else, but when it comes to embracing freedom and fairness, they get downright nasty. A sensationalist statement may look like this: "If we allow gay marriage, then we're going to have to allow people marrying animals! I guess it's okay if I marry a cow huh?!"