#11 Giant SUVs

It's a well know fact that conservatives hate the Earth. They express their rage towards the planet in many ways--shooting animals, digging for coal and oil relentlessly, burning coal and oil like it's going out of style, and driving gigantic SUVs. Conservatives will use SUVs to waste natural resources for fun, and run over small minority children and small animals. It's a part of their culture.
Just like an "Obama" bumper sticker on a Toyota Prius or Volkswagen, you're sure to find a host of Conservative statements on a SUV. Many stickers may read, "NoBama," or "I'll keep my guns, freedom, and money, you can keep the change." But the most common motif is of course "God Bless America." More trendy stickers may read "Don't Tread on Me" or "Palin Power." In conservatism, driving a SUV is more than just a necessity, it's somewhat of a status symbol. The entry level conservative may drive something like a Ford Escape, more advanced conservatives will drive Land Rovers, but for seasoned expert conservatives, there is the Chevy Tahoe and Hummer. Nothing says, "I'm a complete Asshole," more. Conservatives will wear it like a badge of honor.
Another reason for flaunting over sized vehicles is to compensate for small dicks, for the conservative ladies it's because of penis envy. A conservative (which is typically some over confident, Type-A, sociopath) will often have problems dealing with their size, and run out to buy the largest most elaborate vehicle they can get their hands on. Once inside, the conservative is at ease and proceeds through life in their ultimate road rage machine. Nothing will stand in their way.

#10 Country Music

Across America you'll find that on any given conservative IPOD, is an enormous library of illegally obtained Country Music, AKA "Freedom Music." Country music represents good ol' fashion values, middle America, farming, trucks, and lots of other stupid shit that most people don't give a fuck about. One famous conservative country music star, Toby Keith, will kick your ass if you ain't for war, huge trucks, and tight American made jeans.
Most country music ballads these days are found kissing up to our Troops in an attempt to make a statement that Country Music and "simple everyday middle-Americans" are the only people who love our country. Turn the TV over to CMT and you'll find at least 63% of all videos take place at some sort of Fourth of July event, with fireworks in the sky, a bunch of white middle American families sitting on picnic blankets with patriotic gaze in their eyes, some dogs, and a wholesome "young love" romance. Whether it's Lee Greenwood belting out "God Bless The USA", Alan Jackson reminding us with "Where were you?", or Toby singing "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue," you can rest assure that Country Music will always be on our side, the side of freedom and conservatism.
With all this blind patriotism, it only spans half of the themes of this part of musical Americana--the other half of course being Jesus. That's right, Country Music is also often about Jesus and other Christian themes. This of course makes a conservative very excited (often referred to as a "hard on for Jesus").
Popular examples of Country Music lyrics:

"putting a boot in your ass, it's the American way..."

"And it gave me a chill, when he clicked his heels, and saluted me..."

"As he laid his blood-stained bible in that hooker's hand..."

"To fight for the Red, White, and Blue He was 19 in green with a new M-16Just doin' what he had to do..."

"Oh Lord I'd be lostBut for the grace of GodOh Lord I'd be lost..."

#9 Hating Other Countries

Though it is acceptable for everyone to hate Canada, conservatives will tell you they hate most other countries in the whole world--and for good reason--America kicks ass. Conservatives have a long history of hating the shit out of other countries. We need look no further than the "red scare", France, Mexico and their "dirty immigrants", and various European nations for being gay.

Whatever you do, don't attempt to disparage the United States' performance in any way (i.e. education, health care, environment, quality of life) to a conservative. They will immediately say, "Well there ain't no place in the world I'd rather be, that's for sure." And while that statement is fair, it is usually followed up by, "America is the greatest country in the world," which too often has less substance a conservative will lead you to believe to back up such a claim.

Time and time again conservatives rally around new ways to hate on other countries. You want let us force you into a stupid war? Bam! FREEDOM FRIES! And of course the lesser known Freedom Toast. Don't even try to Freedom kiss. Often at political rallies conservatives will remind everyone (that means you the rest of the world) how fucking awesome we are by mindlessly chanting "U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!" even if it's because someone announced they had to go to the bathroom. Conservatives hate other countries so much they can't wait to invade the holy hell out of the next one. Will is be Iran? Will it be North Korea? Who knows. In return the rest of the world holds some level of resentment towards us for the attitudes, policies, and actions conservatives represent.

#8 WAR

Throughout American history, War and conflict has begun under administrations from both the left and right. We are brought into war for various reasons, but the reason why conservatives will bring us into war is because it actually makes them horny. War gives conservatives hard-ons. To them, it's like an addiction, a sex/war addiction, and they'll stop at nothing to get it.
Why would such a violent act stimulate a conservative's anus you may ask? Well, it has to do with who has the biggest cock on this planet. Everyone knows that in America we have the biggest cocks God dammit! A conservative will prove their penis size with a dazzling showcase of what's known as "shock and awe." "Shock and awe" involves blowing up a lot of shit simultaneously. It makes for great television, and of course the broadcast will remind the world that America has the biggest cock on this planet. The conservative's sex starved cravings for such acts led it down a path of the current Iraq War, which was organized on lies and ignorance (lying is a common sign of a war addict). Note: conservatives had a previous war problem with Iraq in the early 90s.
These dangerous cravings continue even today as many conservatives call for an invasion of Iran, another country that has not posed any threat to the US--though they often will make slights and threats towards Israel. That doesn't matter though. Even though it's not our business, all that it required for a sex crazed invasion is 1) an Islamic nation and 2) Oil is present. The real kicker is, a conservative will go tell the U.N. (and thus the world) to "Fuck Off" when challenged on such an invasion--another sign of a war addict.

Tips on organizing a war intervention for conservatives:

1) Consult a professional first. Talk to a representative about it.
2) Meet with everyone who will be involved in the intervention way ahead of time. Are they other concerned citizens and do they have the facts?
3) Prepare yourself emotionally for resistance from the addict. The conservative may turn on you and try to blow you up.
4) Understand that you will have to let go. Make it clear that the conservative will no longer be welcome if they continue the destructive behaviour.

#7 Pretending To Stand For Freedom

In America, Conservatives actually have a copyright on the idea of "freedom." At least the believe they do. Freedom means many things, but to a conservative it only means a handful of things that benefit them and only them. Insisting terrorists hate America because "they hate our freedom" helped us pass the freedom friendly Patriot Act. Leaving marriage laws up to the states' citizens (even after state legislatures vote for gay marriage)means equal rights for all of our citizens, except for the "fags." How about buying some beer in many counties throughout the southeast on a Sunday? Fuck that, there's no reason for local businesses to have another day of sales each week--much less the freedom of purchasing some alcohol any day you wish. How about women's rights to choose. Fuck that again! Women ain't the ones who get us our freedom. Men get us our freedom. Freedom ain't free. Women in submarines, infantry, special forces--fuck that! Gays in the military? FUCK THAT! Remember gays are second class citizens and are not allowed to have equal rights in the free-est country in the world. How about the right to terminate under a terminal illness? How about the decriminalization of marijuana? F-U-C-K T-H-A-T! That's right! And all of these are things that a conservative will not support will simultaneously maintaining they stand for freedom more than anyone else. That's the conservatives' greatest magic trick.
What is freedom to a conservative you might ask? Not paying taxes and the 2nd amendment. PERIOD. Gun control is always sensationalized as an intrusion of freedom. You know what is an intrusion Conservatives? Wiretapping and profiling whoever the fuck you want. That's intrusion. You know what else is not freedom? Telling a normal human being they can't marry. You know what else? Insisting you put your superstitious laws of God in courthouses, knowing well not every person in our supposed free country is not Christian. You know what fucking else? Insisting that prayer be fully integrated in our public school systems. That's why you have Sunday school. I don't see anyone trying to force standard school lessons into Sunday School. All of this bullshit, and conservatives will still continue to stand in front of the American flag, hand over heart, claiming to be the ones who stand for freedom. Let freedom ring, right?

#6 Rush Limbaugh

Rush Limbaugh (also known as a "Big Fat Idiot") is the conservative radio host, drug addict, misogynistic asshole, and current leader of the GOP. Since 1991, Rush Limbaugh has been the most-listened-to radio host in the United States. To conservatives he is the most popular person on the planet next to Jesus Christ. When not eating everything in sight, Limbaugh can be found at conservatives' favorite place to be at the moment--at some conference complaining about shit.
Limbaugh isn't all bad. He's been involved in increasing Parkinson's awareness by making fun of Michael J. Fox on camera, and supporting diverstiy by giving airplay to a song called "Barack The Magic Negro." Rush Limbaugh enjoys having sex with horses. Conservatives can be heard calling into Limbaugh's program daily saying "dittos" or "mega dittos" meaning they agree with whatever pro-white topic Rush is flapping his fat, stupid jaw about at the time. It has been a well proven fact that global warming is more related to the hot air produced daily from Limbaugh during his radio program and the conservatives calling in to suck his dick on the air.
In addition to spewing shit out of his mouth, Rush is a celebrated author of two books, one of which is called "See, I Told You So" (1993) where he slights the Clinton administration's methods a mere year after being in office. This practice inspired today's conservatives to do the same, but better. Conservatives actually found ways to complain about the Obama administration before he was even elected, painting a Socialist/Communist/Facist agenda for America, which of course has yet to be realized--but hey fuck it. If Rush says it, it's as good as God's word.

#5 Fox News

Fox News is a well known 24 hour, self proclaimed "news" network. For conservatives it's the equivalent of having a 24 hour a day porn channel. Since the inception of TV network news, our airwaves have been littered with facts and journalism. Conservatives call this the mainstream media. Enter Fox News in 1996. When engaging a conservative, be sure to mention any news story you may have seen on Fox News earlier that morning. Conservatives will certainly go into a cheerful rant about how good it is to have a reliable and balanced network like Fox News. To conservatives, balanced reporting and news coverage means complaining about democrats, liberals, and the Obama administration--all day long. Often genuine news will be overlooked due to this phenomenon.
In addition to complaining about democratic policies, Fox News anchors will often pretend to be scientists by denying global warming.
The power of the Fox News organization is vast and acts as an arm to the conservative voice. Fox News is so far removed from journalism in fact, that this bat shit crazy, fucked up, hilljack network actually helped organize and sponsor Tea Party protests, fuel the angst behind the town hall meetings for health care reform, and has given regular platform to the GOP and its supporters. Where else will you find a news Network that has provided shows and contributor jobs to former Republican politicians, i.e. Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, etc? The machine behind the Fox News Network is News Corporation, a factory in New York that produces and manufactures anti-liberal stories and pro conservative stories.

#4 Sensationalizing

Under the contested Health Care Bill, provision HR 3200 would expand Medicare coverage to "end of life" consultations with doctors in regards to advice on living wills and hospice information. Translation: Death Panels. Since most conservatives are mentally retarded, they will take the art of falsification and combine it with the dumbing down of over simplifying. This is known as sensationalizing and conservatives have turned it into a second language. An encounter with a conservative may look something like this:
"So I've heard that they are improving our water supply with an revised and updated clean water act."
"Yeah if you like the government taking over your private waters like our farmer's ponds and people with private lakes. Just more Obama socialism!"
Conservatives will often get their news from FoxNews, Rush Limbaugh, The National Review, Drudge Report, Tea Partiers, and old people who are out of touch. All sources are experts in the realm of sensationalizing. Often these sensationalizations will be crafted by corporations or special interest groups.
Don't even get them started on the "homosexual agenda." It's a well known fact that conservatives hate fags, and will do anything to slight their lifestyle. You see conservatives will often claim they love freedom more than anyone else, but when it comes to embracing freedom and fairness, they get downright nasty. A sensationalist statement may look like this: "If we allow gay marriage, then we're going to have to allow people marrying animals! I guess it's okay if I marry a cow huh?!"

#3 Tea Parties

In America, when Conservatives want to bind together and vent their deep rooted racial frustrations, they often will have what's called a "tea party." If you make more than $250,000 a year or are a family making greater than $500,000 a year, then you most likely will have to pay a higher percentage of taxes than others making less. To conservatives this is quite simply unacceptable.

The idea of a Tea Party is very symbolic. In 1773, forefathers violently protested in what would become known as the "Boston Tea Party." The protest centered around the unfair taxation of tea imports from Great Britain. Many within the English Colonies believed that is was tyrannical to impose taxes on the Colonies without proper colonial representation in Parlilment. Hence the phrase, "No taxation without representation." Conservatives interprut this phrase as, "No taxes." Or "I don't think I should pay taxes." Later translations in rural Conservative America have read, "Why should I pay for your welfare check?" Ironically we paid for our own Revolutionary War with taxes. Ever since, America has funded much of its growth from taxes. To a conservative, this is no longer essential and is of course Socialism. Over the past 16 months, the Federal Government has spent more money than ever before. In October of 2008, this started with expensive "big bank" bailouts designed to assist powerful conservatives. This all came to a head when America was asked to fund for a better health care system that would expand coverage to the uninsured. As already revealed in the first post (Paying For Health Care), this is unAmerican and socialist. All conservatives know that it is important to continue to pay for healthcare, otherwise we would be no different than a pussy European nation.

What's the solution? Tea Party like it's 2009! Tea Parties have rivatalized long gone white angst, supressed selfishness, and mental retardation. If attending a Tea Party, it's important to understand that the agenda is unclear at best. As seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fevga9jUC48

#2 Ayn Rand

If you want to make a conservative ejaculate, mention Ayn Rand. Ayn Rand was a Russian born philosopher/writer who invented Objectivism. Objectivism basically takes the idea of "survival of the fittest" and applies it only to human behaviors--essentially this embodies the conservative lifestyle to care only about yourself. This makes Rand's writings a staple reference to conservative intellectualism. Ayn Rand was a well known advocate for ultra capitalism. This gives conservatives an intelligent springboard for almost every economical discussion you could imagine.

An essential work of Rand's is "Atlas Shrugged," which is a futuristic, hysteria filled depiction of a US Government gone ape shit commie. Economic progress is stifled all around because of a pesky fucking government, a fictional, sensationalized, paranoia fuck fest tale that all conservatives will insist is happening at this very moment. What's most interesting in the timeliness of "Atlas Shrugged," is that it comes in a post WWII, Red Scare era--which makes sense for Rand's current revival as we face a similar communist fueled extinction.

What you will find most interesting about Ayn Rand is not her love for assholic levels of capitalism, but the fact that she also was a very open Atheist. To boot, she supported the ideas of gay marriage. Mention this to a conservative and you might risk sending them into some sort of wormhole.

#1 PAYING FOR HEALTHCARE

In modern, industrialized countries throughout the world, health care is fully or in part funded by their democratic governments, and ultimately taxpayers. In America, conservatives know this as "socialism." Fear (a later entry) is essential to conservative thinking, and when it comes to healthcare, universal coverage means our doctors would turn stupid, our hospital's state of the art equipment would break, and everyone magically gets sick--flooding our waiting rooms.

When conversing with a conservative on univeral health care, or even health care reform, it's important to understand the commonalities of their rhetoric. In an attempt to discount UHC as socialism, conservatives will imidiately begin fabricating statistics that reveal how bad health care systems are in other countires with UHC, though it is completely contrary to what their citizens would tell you. Often a conservative will claim that people should take better care of themselves. Pay close attention to this, as you will find that at least half of the conservatives saying this are fat disgusting pigs. Another arguement would be that our children are going to be stuck paying for healthcare. Though healthcare costs continue to rise, forcing everyone to pay more, the mere thought of "junior" be stuck with bill is too much for a conservative to withstand. You see taxes to a conservative, is the same as throwing away freedom. The Postal Service, the Military, FBI, CIA, police, and fireman are just some of the examples of services conservatives don't want to be burdeoned with paying for privately, however paying for healthcare is un-American.